The Trump Effect

Earlier in the year I had a spasm of affection for Bernie Sanders. I almost called random Americans in the U.S to tell them how great he was. There was a story circulating that a fourteen year old boy was calling a hundred people a day. Phone banking. Harnessing of a generation of young people, those who were internet savvy with a distaste (even hatred) of the mainstream media. I almost did it. I had the app open. Then I realised I’d been goofed. It was the Trump Effect.

I tried to get loved up with Jeremy Corbyn in the same way. Corbyn felt a little less Trumpy. I couldn’t.

Bernie Sanders was a fire-y senator from a little state called Vermont, which I had barely heard of prior to the election. He spoke with conviction and honesty. In juxtaposition to Hillary Clinton, he seemed like a real guy, the best guy. Then the machine whirred and money spewed out of an oil-rig on the other side of the world and Hillary cruised (albeit limping) to victory.

I should have phoned Jerry in New Jersey and told him that Bernie Sanders was the hero we all deserved.

I don’t mean to sound bitter.

In fact, I’m not bitter at all. Clinton vs. Trump is a fiasco, and hilarious. The election and its shenanigans have been just enough escapism for me to forget, briefly, about the post-Brexit shit-throwing contest. That’s what it’s all about, right? FBI investigations, a giant wall, pneumonia, the touching of fanny’s. Barrel of laughs. Ha. Ha. I mean, it’s only the President of the United States we’re worried about here.

Hillary Clinton’s voice literally changes when she’s lying. Her face changes. Half of what Donald Trump says is nonsense, and half is generous. Watching from across the Atlantic I can’t help but wonder who the hell is voting for these people. There are plenty of Facebook videos with interviews of slack-jawed young men cooing MAGA, MAGA and a scientifically formulated selection of young, multi-ethnic Hillary enthusiasts – but do I even trust these? Unless it’s a man covered in paint in the back of a van, isn’t everything you see on Facebook basically a massive fucking lie?

I don’t know where to look. I don’t know who to listen to. In a week and a bit someone, somewhere, is going to have to pick between Clinton and Trump. As in, make a choice between the two. Do you fancy having your right molar removed, or your fourth toe? Shall we crash your car and then punch you in the face, or punch you in the face and then crash your car? I know I should hate Clinton, there is something so slimy about her. So shady, behind closed doors, sitting on a private wealth I can barely comprehend. I almost cheer on Trump for his brashness. I get the impression he’s actually quite shit at ‘business’ and the lies don’t stop there. “No,” he says, after the crowd hears him talk his sexy locker room talk. “I never said that.” It’s genius. He’s cracked it. Instead of pretending not to lie whilst lying, he has just gone ahead and lied. Straight to the point. In front of millions. It’s so ridiculous it’s beautiful.

Oh, what have you done…

Clinton will have people on the streets giving out money to poor people and illegal immigrants and Trump will have some large men on motorcycles harassing people outside the polling booths. Sanders would have had pre-teens handing out leaflets, they know what’s best. Bless ‘em. Cruz’s flyers would have fluttered down from the heavens. All in all, a pretty poor performance.

Trump and Bernie Sanders have something in common. I call it the Trump Effect, because Sanders lost. They have proved that in the day and age of the internet, where lies and truths are so easily mixed, and masses of people are swayed by dancing dogs and exaggerated headlines (no, I’m not sure the black rhino is actually extinct), it does not matter whether you have a lot of money, or some fantastical socialist ideals, it seems like almost anyone could be president.

Could be you.

Somehow, Trump has garnered an online following in the hundreds of thousands, and I’m not sure if it’s a joke anymore, or whether they think it’s a joke – or maybe the whole thing is so meta and postmodern that the joke was never a joke in the first place, but only masqueraded as one, so as to appear light-hearted, whilst a generation of young men (predominantly) were slyly converted into worshipping a near-racist and near-sexist (does anyone know what these words mean anymore?) demigod and Pepe the frog.

If you were to look purely from the perspective of the internet, it looks like no one is voting for Hillary at all.

Oh boy. I’m excited.

I want them both to win.

50% to 50%.

Then I want them to bareknuckle fight to the death.