Blue crystals crushed up by a gnarled hand in a type of grinding bowl first used by the Assyrians and then used by my Mum in nineteen seventy two to grind up chocolate flakes and now it’s crushing up this blue pill which is sucked up into a pipette with this other blue liquid which is like water but when it turns into dew drops you can see your own tired face in it and here it is going into my arm and the pain the pain the pain the pain –
“Wake up. Oi.”
Kit shakes me up. I was asleep in the living room, the soft tones of Chris, Kit and Sally’s voices from the dining room had sent me off.
“Morning,” I say softly, staring up into her blurry face. My eyes begin to close again. I don’t want to sink back into the dream but it welcomes me openly.
“No. Wake up. Come upstairs.”
“Mmm,” I moan as she lifts me up. I’m floppy in her arms.
“How much did you drink?”
The stairs are arduous. I slump and fall. She takes me into the bathroom and splashes water in my face. I wake slightly.
“Yeah,” I say.
She leads me into the bedroom and lies me down. She climbs on top, straddling me and running her hands over my head.
“Hello,” she whispers.
She kisses my neck and puts her hand on to my chest.
“Edward, I think we should try again.”
“Kit, I -”
“I don’t -” I can’t get my words out.
“I want this. I want to,” she whispers in my ear, “We can do this.”
“Kit-” Her weight stifles my breath, my words.
“Please,” she pleads.
The kisses stop. Her hand clutches at my sodden shirt. She grazes my ribs, “N-no?”
I shake my head. I can’t look her in the eyes. She rolls off of me and faces the other way. She sobs.
“Kit. Kit. Kit. I – I have, there is -” I try.
“Stop it,” she says.
I feel a clenching in my gut. My head is throbbing, each of her sobs feels like a brick to the skull.
“Kit…” I try again.
“Get out. Go,” she says.
I reach for her shoulder. The faintest touch. She shrugs it off, “Go!”
I say nothing. I get up and leave the room. I don’t look back. I can hear her sobs from the stairs. I can hear her sobs from the door. When I’m outside I can’t hear her sobs any more.