Understanding Trump: wee-wee sex and hypocrisy

Trump woke up and thought, “Holy shit, I control the world,” long before he became President. For a long time he must’ve felt like a king, firing people and judging women’s beauty on stage, being revered by C-list celebrities and appearing as a cameo in all the hit films. I wouldn’t be surprised if he’d paid to appear in them. Now, there’s going to be a Springsteen tribute band at his inauguration (or is that just fake news?) because no one loves him. I almost feel sorry for him, then I realise that if it was to be any man, he’d be the kind of man to pay a group of prostitutes to perform bizarre sexual acts, whilst he lounged on Obama’s bed, smelling the pillows, looking for little black curly hairs to take home to his lonely wife.

Then I don’t feel so sorry.

I have no doubt that this news is true. I want to believe it’s true. A debauched millionaires’ sex-party in a room bugged by the KGB? Could the news get anymore fantastic? Wait. That millionaire is the president-to-be of the United fucking States? The dossier could contain even more harmful information, like a distinct link to the Kremlin? This is getting tasty, like Stilton under a bowl, this is.

Trump’s Twitter tirade at Buzzfeed isn’t exactly reassuring, neither of his presidential character or of his innocence. It’s sort of like the boy who cried wolf, if the wolf was a Russian prostitute and the sheep were the mainstream media. Wait. My analogy doesn’t make sense. But at least I didn’t compare it to the holocaust. What kind of madman would do that?

Though, if the news is true, I suppose Trump is a little like Hitler. A brief search reveals Hitler was a big fan of, and I quote, “poo sex.” Either way, Fuhrer or no Fuhrer, Trump has not fared well this week. America, as an institution, is doomed. If Russia has these documents, pictures of Trump with his finger in his belly-button whilst Miss. Universe urinates onto his toes – well, he’ll be out of office by lunchtime. Imagine Trump turning up for a meeting with Putin, who is sitting in one of those villainous, winged mahogany chairs, stroking a picture of Trump with his finger up a sheep’s arse? What sort of deal-making and policy creation could come from an encounter like that?

And what is this sudden obsession with “fake news”? Fake news has been a thing since the internet began. (Have you not read the potato story?!) Anyone with even a shred, a tiny Trump-hand-sized piece of intelligence, knows that everything you read on the internet should be cross-referenced across at least four different platforms. It’s safer not to believe anything you read. Ever. It’s disturbing that ordinary people can’t discern between fact and fiction, even when it’s completely blatant. Why are we all so surprised that Buzzfeed released this article about Trump and Russia? Buzzfeed has just about the integrity of a Trump Steak. They want clicks and money. This was no political play. I was disgusted when Ben Smith tried to defend the journalistic integrity of his editing. It’s nothing but a cash cow. He’s a cow. Bastard cow.

There is, of course, the chance that this news story is completely fabricated in every way. If it is, and Trump was listening to CNN and Buzzfeed rattling on about it, fair enough for getting a little annoyed. But this man is the next President, not a whining celebrity. His Tweeter feed reads like a rambling Kardashian just accused of a third surgery job. How can any political leader take the man seriously? “Good on him,” I hear you say, “for taking on the mainstream media. It’s good to have a straight talking politician.” You fools! He’s playing you like Hitler played with shit (sorry I keep returning to this image, it’s just so…striking.) CNN’s not going anywhere. Buzzfeed can fuck off for all I care, but CNN is here to stay. If you think Trump is battling, bare-knuckle, with the media, then you’re a moron.

Here’s why. Ironically, Trump was quick to return his real groundbreaking ideas, like repealing ObamaCare and making sure those dastardly Mexicans don’t get any of his darn jobs! Excellent job on solving literally non-issues, Mr. Trump, whilst simultaneously managing to collect scandal like flies to a turd. Under Obama the cost of health insurance dropped for millions of Americans and employment skyrocketed. I have a feeling a lot of the “people”  who support repealing ObamaCare have founded their opinion on a whole lot of fake news from – what’s that other terrible publication with a history of posting absolute fucking drivel? Oh. Breitbart. And who did Trump appoint as his “senior counselor”? Steven Bannon, it’s former head.

I literally can’t stand this hypocrisy.

Who chose this man to lead the U.S?

I can’t stand it. I don’t understand. My head hurts.

I’ve got to sit down.